Chavs and Chavudice
by Ashabagawa
Summary: The Bennet family are renowned throughout the country for their nose rings, tattoos and fatal attraction to Playboy merchandise, although with a new addition to the community, will the girls change their ways? Not bloody likely...
1. Tattoos and Tongue Chains

**A/N – Due to the fact I have recently just finished reading 'Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' and I watched the film yesterday, I'm in the mood to do something Pride and Prejudice-esque. It's a bit silly but I hope you like it. Reviews are greatly appreciated, as always. **

**Chapter One – Tattoos and Tongue Chains**

It is a fact universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of large fortune must be beating off hormonal, love-stricken females with a stick.

And so it was. Mr Charles Bingley, recently moved to the country from London, found himself unable to move two centimetres to the left or right, for fear of stepping on the dainty feet of a gagging female, determined to make herself known to him.

"Jesus!" He said to his sister, Caroline, as women flung themselves at the walls of the carriage they were now riding in, occasionally managing to grab hold of the railings before one of the footmen forcibly removed them with the barrel of his musket. "What the hell am I going to do?"

Caroline made no reply, as she was too busy ogling the other occupant of the carriage, displaying a facial expression that was quite possibly supposed to be alluring but instead made her look like she had some sort of interior growth, one that was causing her severe discomfort. Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy (what a name!) was sulking in the far corner of the carriage, experimenting with different ways of making his eyebrows look bushier than they actually were.

Bingley sighed.

"You're not paying attention to me, are you?" He addressed the carriage at large. The answer was the continued ogling from Caroline and the occasional eyebrow jerk from Darcy. Bingley glared at the two of them and settled into a silence as thick and awkward as Mr Bean. The silence was only broken when one woman chucked herself at the side of the carriage so hard she almost cracked the glass.

The miserable party were on their way to the Public Ball, an event none of them were particularly enthusiastic about. Bingley was scared of the women he may encounter there, Caroline was scared of the commoners she may encounter there and Darcy was scared of the carpet. It's a long story why.

The carriage looped around the narrow streets of Merryton and Caroline grimaced as she stared out at the darkened streets. The houses were old and dirty, riddled with rats and filth. Even though it was dark, poor people still roamed the streets and Caroline recoiled from the window, disgusted, even through a thick pane of glass.

The Town Hall was fairly small, and people were pouring out of it into the street, all dressed in their best. Caroline sniffed.

"This is ridiculous." She said, turning to her brother who was nervously eyeing the crowd of women swarming around the carriage doors. "They're all poor people here. You know how much I hate poor people." Charles turned his head towards her slightly, still keeping his eyes on the rabid, dribbling women.

"Sorry," He said, his eyes full of terror. "What was that?"

Caroline sniffed again and opened the door of the carriage and stepped out. Darcy, jerked out of his eyebrow abundant reverie, followed. Bingley nervously picked his way through the crowd behind them, occasionally batting women away with his cane.

Inside, the ball had already begun and music was booming from an iPod dock from the future. Everyone was bobbing up and down in time with the Black Eyed Peas, even though they wouldn't be born for roughly another three hundred years. Sometimes that's just the way things roll.

In the corner of the room, submerged in a cloud of tobacco smoke, Elizabeth Bennet sucked on her cigarette and turned to her sister Jane, who was showing off her new tattoo.

"Wot is it?" Lizzy asked.

"One o' dem fings..." Jane explained, pulling down the lacy neckline of her gown so that she could show her sister properly. "...yer know. Wot dead people 'ave instead of 'eads."

"Wot..." Lizzy said, furrowing her brow. "...a skull?"

"Yeah." Jane said, prodding it with her finger. "Good innit?"

"Yeah. Who did it for yer?"

"That new Wickham bloke. He's dead good, not like that Forster tit. He was crap."

"Shit..." Lizzy nodded her head in agreement. Only the other day, Lizzy had gone to Merryton tattoo parlour to have a bracelet of barbed wire done around her ankle, only to be informed by the former owner, Forster, that he was going to have to do it up her shin as he wasn't very good at corners.

It was then that the two sisters noticed the addition to the room. Three people were standing in the doorway. A sandy haired man, a dark haired man and a sandy haired lady. The Black Eyed Peas had been shut up and everyone was staring at the new arrivals. Elizabeth immediately knew who they were; only this morning her mother had informed them on the arrival of Mr Bingley.

"Netherfield Park is, like, let and shit." Mrs Bennet had said over the breakfast table, twiddling her lip stud between her fingers.

"So?" Mr Bennet had replied, putting on his morning bling. "Like, what has that got to do with me? I, like, really don't care."

"Come on, you idiot!" Mrs Bennet said, only she didn't say 'idiot'. She said something else. Rude. "You must want him to get with one o' da girls." Mr Bennet looked blank. The five daughters of Mr Bennet all looked up from their breakfasts of KFC and stared at their mother.

"It's like ooooooooooooooo my god!" Lydia said, her tongue chain clinking as she talked. "I bet he's like, well fit."

"Foschizzle" Kitty agreed.

And so Lizzy and Jane knew exactly who the arrivals were.

The party soon resumed, although the atmosphere was a lot tenser, probably due to the fact that around fifty rabid women had just fallen in through the door and were now being forcibly ejected. Lizzy pulled her cigarette out of her mouth , threw it on the floor and stamped on it.

Time for some action.

**A/N – What do you think? I know it's a bit weird but I was in the mood for silliness. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. - Ashabagawa**


	2. Rottweilers and Rude Remarks

**Chapter Two – Rottweilers and Rude Remarks**

Mrs Bennet's hand came out from nowhere and clamped Lizzy hard on the shoulder.

"Lizzy..." She barked. "Get 'ere now!" Lizzy obliged and found Jane and Mary already herded up by their mother. Their parents ushered them over to where Bingley, his sister and that weird bloke who kept eyeing the carpet were all standing.

"How come Lydia and Kitty got out of this?" Lizzy hissed to Jane, not bothering to disguise the venom in her tone. Jane jerked her head over to where their two scantily clad sisters were now gyrating enthusiastically on the dance floor, very close to some slightly worried looking soldiers.

"Oh."

Mrs Bennet suddenly stopped and Lizzy, Jane and Mary found themselves being presented to the Bingleys and the strange man with the carpet fetish.

"Homies." Mrs Bennet said, raising a hand in salute. "''ere are ma' girls. Jane's the one with the tattoo on her breast and twelve studs in her ear, Lizzy's the one with the belly button piercing and the cigarette hanging out of her mouth and Mary's the one with the eyebrow ring and the Rottweiler."

The Bennet girls all grunted in various pitches. Lizzie lit up another cigarette. Mr Bingley, however, seemed not so relaxed about the meeting.

He had gone a rather interesting shade of purple and was staring at Jane's left breast. Lizzie almost thumped him for 'disrespectin' before realising her eldest sister had decided to have another tattoo in the Rather Private Area and this was the object of his scrutiny...she hoped.

Darcy looked up from the carpet and saw his friend staring at a Rather Private part of Jane's anatomy. He did the honour of thumping him on the back, dragging him out of his reverie.

"Erm...hello. This is Mr Darcy and my sister Caroline. " He said, gesturing wildly to the man and woman on either side of him. He looked up from Jane's chest and stared her in the face. "Would you...er...like to dance?" Lizzie privately thought that the activities taking place on the dance floor didn't really warrant the term 'dancing'.

Jane shrugged. "Yeah...ok..." Bingley led her off to the floor.

Lizzie couldn't help noticing that, although slightly odd, the newcomer did have a Rather Nice pair of eyebrows.

"Do you dance, Mr Darcy?" She asked. Darcy, startled, looked up from the bit of hessian rug he had been eyeing suspiciously and frantically tried to work out who had addressed him. Lizzie waved at him to help him out.

"Not if I can help it..." He said, after acknowledging the fact he would have to cross the carpet in order to get to the dance floor.

Lizzie punched him in the face and walked off.

Caroline Bingley caught Darcy in her waiting arms.

"Good Lord!" She exclaimed. "I can't help feeling like someone is going to produce a piglet and we're all going to have to chase it." Mary thought for a moment.

"I haven't got a piglet..." She said, as Darcy's nose streamed blood all over his shirt and coat. "...but I have got this Rottweiler...."

A.S.B.O, as the dog was named, growled fiercely at Caroline Bingley and Darcy, only stopping when Mrs Bennet reached down the front of her dress and produced a bloody steak from her bosom, before chucking it in the vague direction of the beast.

"Shut the hell up, A.S.B.O." She said. "Who's idea was it to get a f*cking dog?"

"Yours, my dear." Mr Bennet said. "Ever since the Lucas's bought a pet iguana."

Darcy and Caroline were still cowering on the floor, nervously watching the dog gobble up the rare meat. Blood from the steak had dribbled onto the floor and Darcy's own blood still streamed down his face, adding its own decorative flourish to the oriental rug.

*

Meanwhile, Lizzie Bennet was beating up a guy called Frank Bunnman, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

*

Jane and Mr Bingley were having a great time on the dance floor, grinding along to all of their favourite anthems, from Dizzie Rascal to Justin Timberlake. Bingley was particularly good at the hip-thrust-pout movement he demonstrated throughout the chorus of 'Sexyback'. Jane wiggled and jived away, enjoying the dribble-dripping stares she received from the all male occupants of the room, apart from her father and this other bloke called Harry Butterman who was sitting at the bar. But then, Harry Butterman was wearing a sequined pink leotard, lipstick and a feather boa and so Jane wasn't ready to lose sleep over his indifference to her attributes.

*

After leaving Frank Bunnman to deal with his injuries, Lizzie had managed to locate her friend, Charlotte Lucas and they were now sitting in a corner of the room, smoking strange substances, drinking alcohol and bitching about everyone in the address book.

"She filled Lynette Golding's petticoat with custard..." Charlotte jabbered, obviously in full flow. "...and then told everyone that she'd got some sort of pustule-based skin disease."

"What a bitch!" Lizzie exclaimed between swigs. Charlotte didn't answer however, as she had noticed Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy standing nearby. Lizzie strained her stud-filled ears, eavesdropping on the conversation.

"...come on Darcy-boi!" Bingley chortled, obviously Under the Influence. "I wanna see you SHAKE IT!!" He

then proceeded to show Darcy exactly what sort of activities this entailed by 'Shaking it' tipsily in the centre of a group of tables, only stopping when Darcy (who still had blood caked to his top lip) grabbed his arms and sandwiched them to his sides.

"Never subject me to that ever again." He whispered, in a dangerously low voice.

"Aww Big D!" Bingley trilled. "Dancing's great. There's loads of hot chicks!" He gestured around the room with a flailing arm.

"You are dancing with the only attractive girl in the room and even she is enough of a barbarian that she feels the need to doodle on her own body. I mean, can't they afford paper?"

"She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld." Bingley said, sudden serious. "What do you make of that?"

"You're drunk."

"Her sister is very agreeable too." Bingley gestured over to where Lizzie and Charlotte were sitting.

"Bollocks." Darcy replied. "Agreeable? My arse. I've come across more agreeable young ladies at a 'Violence Addicts Anonymous' help group. The day I ask that insane cow to dance, I'll snog the carpet."

And with that, he casually strolled over to the men's room.

"Look on the bright side, Lizzie." Charlotte said. "If he liked you, you wouldn't have an excuse to beat him up."

"Precisely. What a freak." They both rolled the sleeves of their gowns up to their elbows and nonchalantly followed Darcy into the bathroom.

Not a great deal is known about the events that occurred during the short space of time that Darcy, Lizzie Bennet and Charlotte Lucas shared in the Gent's Toilet at the Meryton Town Hall. What is known however, is that Lizzie and Charlotte emerged around half an hour later, their hair slightly rumpled but otherwise in perfect health. Darcy followed a few hours later, dragging himself across the floor, clutching his chest and exclaiming "Oooh my angina!" at regular intervals.

Lizzie thought that she'd seen the last of him. How little she knew.


End file.
